I’m A Little Confused About Love

There are times, when I sit back and think about why I have to repeat myself a lot. Why do I have to keep telling him how I feel, or what I would like to feel in exchange.

I always thought that love was a beautiful thing, and I always thought that the best thing in a relationship is feeling that you are being loved back.

I wonder if I am the only one who feels lonely despite being with someone. I don’t know if sometimes I am asking for too much. Are all the things I talk about probably not important.

This may sound stupid but today was my second day going to church. I was raised a hard core catholic growing up in Mexico, now with years living in the US and not really identifying with any religion but still believing in God.  In past years I have visited a Christian church because of my husband parents and my husband and I had been talking about us needing to go to church. Well in all those talks I agreed to go to a christian church but I told my husband to let me pick one and not pressure me to go.

Last Sunday we went to a church together that I picked, and I truly felt like it was a good place for us probably to start a “Church Sunday” tradition as a family. This morning I woke up and mentioned if he wanted to go to church and he said up to you.

I really was not feeling like going but I thought, you know what I feel like this will help our marriage, try to connect more in a spiritual way and find guidance to bring us closer together. I feel in need of some sense of direction, I feel like I need to see if I may be the issue in our relationship, I want to see if I may be expecting too much? or how can I better myself to keep our family growing in love together.

I got ready, got my daughter ready, and he didn’t even bother to say anything. Frustrated, I told him, I can’t be telling you or pushing you to do things, if you want to you need to do them and if not I give up. So I grabbed the keys got my daughter in the car and left the house. He didn’t say a word, didn’t ask where I was going, he didn’t call me while I was out. He didn’t even bother.

Again, he just let me walk out the door like nothing. I was sitting in church looking at the door hoping he would come walking in through those doors, the clock kept ticking, the pastor kept preaching and he just never came in, walking through that door.

The pastor ironically was talking about “Love never fails” and started a Love series, speaking regards why our “love goes cold”  in many aspects of our life and the things we do that get us there.

I am confused. Our common talks, discussions or arguments if you call it that. I always tend to tell him that we need to spend more time together, that we need to do things as a couple, be friends, talk but all he sees is that we are together, that we live together, and he tells me that we are already spending time together? I say no, we are here in the same room but you are playing video games and I am scrolling through my phone. We are here sitting, but across from each other, interacting with different things, while there is a movie playing on TV, Olesya wanting me to cook, get her ready to go outside and play.

Our 5 year anniversary got here and left, there was not even a small note, a text message or anything that said. Happy Anniversary!  Nor from him to me or vice-versa. I knew he would not remember. Or even if he did, that he would not put any effort to do anything about it, so I decided not to text, not to tell him anything and just let it go. See in the past I would send the text, I would buy a card and I would expect at least a text from him. Yes, it may be that I asked for too much, but, I know what I want for love. I know what I want to feel. I want to be treated nice, I want him to do something nice for me. To take me out to dinner, to tell me get ready look pretty lets go to the movies. I guess, I just have different expectations and sometimes that is the problem.

Expectations! You can’t seem to have those. Right? If you do, you end up breaking your own heart. Trust me it breaks slowly at times.

I am not sure if this is something that you can blame on marriage or just in persons or each one of us. I am writing this at the same time that tears are rolling down my face.

I don’t know what else to do, I wish I was more like him at times. Just sitting there playing video games, drinking, smoking another cigarette like nothing is wrong. In a way I feel like it’s sincere, he always thinks that nothing is wrong. That if I cry, why do I cry if he is here and shouldn’t that be enough? But no, that is not enough for me. I need attention from the one I love, I need to be shown that he cares for me not only by being here my showing me acts of affection.

It’s not his fault, he is, who he is and I will never change that, all I can do is change my attitude regards it and that is why, today now, I keep my mouth shut. I pretend not to feel anymore if he remembers a our anniversary great and if he doesn’t, well great.  If valentines goes by and I didn’t get flowers or at least a chocolate, great and if I was to get some, well awesome but at least I was not expecting them.

See I don’t get flowers, notes, acts of appreciation, dates, dinners, outings with my significant other and I am not saying that he should be the only one to do it. I used to do it. I have sent him flowers on valentines day, I have given him gifts on fathers day, little notes on random days. Things that make him feel that I love him. That I care for him. I know that this may be the way I love, and not because I love that way HE should love that way. I get it.

But, sometimes, someday, I would just love to feel special & I wonder if that is just too much to ask of him.

Let’s say I am a little confused about love. I keep playing that in mind “Love never fails” and I know it doesn’t but you can’t just do it alone, love little by little tends to go cold.

I feel like sometimes there area some of us that are not easy to love, our love is so intense and at times difficult for others to handle. I blame it on being a passionate lover, a music dreamer, hopeless romantic and at times a sensitive emotional strong minded female. But I will keep loving how I love, and hoping that one day someone treats me, understands and loves me as much as I love them.

JenJen Girl_looking_at_sunset

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