Sometimes I wake up and I question everything that I am. So many things running through my head.
Sometimes I don’t know who I am and I tend to try to find my identity but depending on the setting that tends to change.
Last night surrounded by my father’s side of the family. Made me vulnerable, made me question who I am?
Am I the first born daughter product of a relationship that didn’t last? The daughter from a father who left to marry another woman in Mexico that same weekend that I was being born.
Am I the daughter that was kept a secret from her father’s girlfriend in Mexico? Am I the daughter that was a result of a cheating relationship where both females knew nothing about each other? (This is pretty common with international relationships).
All of these questions quickly started emerging right when I was standing in the middle of that ballroom at my brothers wedding, who I met when I was 19 years old.
It felt weird to be surrounded by a bunch of people who appeared to be my family.
Some I was meeting for the first time, others I’ve met before but had no idea what was our relationship.
Are we cousins? Are you my aunt? Are we related? Are you a cousins wife? What am I to you? Or viseversa.
I don’t know, so many questions to ask. So many years passed. And I am barely getting to meet them. Next year I’ll be 30. Is it to late now? For all of this?
The only reason that has me questioning myself is that I am now married and have a 3 and a half year old. A 3 and a half year old that is growing up with only my husband’s parents as her grandparents and that breaks my heart.
Sometimes we end up paying for the mistakes our parents made or keep making. Mistakes that are not our fault. Mistakes that we did not ask for. We weren’t even born yet, to ask.
Those mistakes made before us, not by us, will forever continue to break our heart.
It’s hard to be the grown-up and try to make things right for our kids future.
It’s hard to put pride aside just to make sure that our kids don’t suffer from our procreators mistakes.
One thing I do know, I am that girl that they all see and will forever remind them of that past.
The past that existed before I was born. The past that I know nothing about.
Life, isn’t it just beautiful?